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Tuesday, January 5th, 2010
9:21 pm

*waves* Hullo! I came here via a link provided by sharpiefan, and I have a spork to share. ^__^

Story or Series Title: Once A Pirate
Fandom: Pirates of the Caribbean
Culprit Author's Name: Axelrocks

Full Name: Isabella (surname unknown)
Era of Origin: Mid-18th century
Hair Color (include adjectives): Light brown
Eye Color (include adjectives): Unknown
Special Possessions: A magical constricting corset

Annoying Origin: A wannabe mail-order bride for Norrington
Annoying Connections to Canon Characters: Damsel in distress
Annoying Special Abilities: Can faint at will because of lack of air
Other Annoying Traits: Is exempt from the laws of reality

Glaring Historical Inaccuracies: Ehm... almost everything.

The worst of the story (excerpts): Click for the first chapterCollapse )

(2 Broadsides | Beat to Quarters)

9:45 pm - more?

Please, sporks, may I have some more? 

I only just now found this community.  Or rather, I only just now thought about reading stuff in this community and discovered that it was funny.  Please spork more.

current mood: amused

(Beat to Quarters)

Thursday, October 18th, 2007
10:34 pm - M&C: now in new minty flavour!

Another one for tootsiemuppet, who threw me into the Pit....

Story or Series Title: Secrets and Shipmates
Fandom: M&C
Culprit Author's Name: Bluehaven 4220

Full Name: Alyssa. (Surname unclear, but as Jack later claims she's his wife, we can assume it's Aubrey)
Era of Origin: unknown
Hair Color (include adjectives): Blonde
Eye Color (include adjectives): full of "unshed tears"
Special Possessions: Unborn Jack!spawn, "many layers of skirts" and a distinctive expression.

Experience the horror....Collapse )

(6 Broadsides | Beat to Quarters)

Wednesday, October 17th, 2007
9:49 pm - *pokes dead comm*

Sporking at the request of tootsiemuppet, who cruelly made me read this drew this to my attention.

Story or Series Title: The Brianna Aubrey Story (what is this, a daytime movie...?)
Fandom: M&C
Culprit Author's Name: Commander Rhade

Full Name: Brianna Aubrey, apparently known as "Bri"
Era of Origin: ??movie canon timeframe??
Hair Color (include adjectives): not described (worn in "a ponytail similar to her brother's"
Eye Color (include adjectives): not described
Special Possessions: "A common seaman's uniform", including an inexplicable quantity of shirts

Annoying Origin: Presumably something to do with General Aubrey and one of his wives
Annoying Connections to Canon Characters: Jack Aubrey's "baby sister". Seems to have had some kind of former relationship with Maturin. Seems to know all the officers on the Surprise.
Annoying Special Abilities: Can fight better than Jack. Has saved Stephen's life (although this may, of course, simply mean that she can swim). Can make Pullings behave like a fourteen-year-old boy.
Other Annoying Traits: Breathing.

Glaring Historical Inaccuracies: Um, besides the entire premise?

The worst of the story (excerpts): Let's start with the summary.... This is a story about Jack Aubrey’s younger sister and her advancers with him and his crew.Collapse )

But, after she's attempted to "tank" her beta, it gets worse...Collapse )

There'sCollapse )

Do it, Tom, do it!Collapse )

Blakeney, at least, sees through her.Collapse )

Poor Stephen...Collapse )

I can't read any more of this. My eyes, they burn.

(8 Broadsides | Beat to Quarters)

Tuesday, August 8th, 2006
1:12 pm - Bad Luck Bree: (Another) Girl Pirate

Story Or Series Title: Bad Luck Bree, The Girl on the Flying Dutchman
Fandom: Pirates of the Caribbean
Culprit Author's Name: Bad Luck Bree

Full Name (plus titles if any): Bad Luck Bree Rule #1: Do not name your character after yourself. Rule #2: Do not name yourself after your character.
Full Species(es):
Hair Color (include adjectives): “undistinguishable between light brown or blond”
Eye Color (include adjectives): “Her eyes were fiery, like blue flames, and wild and savage.”
Unusual Markings/Colorations: None mentioned.
Special Possessions (if any): Apparently her broadsword is unusual. Possibly because it’s a broadsword and not a cutlass. Whatever. A medallion from her mother that’s probably speshul.

Annoying Origin: The Goresail.
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: Friends with Bootstrap.
Annoying Special Abilities: Fighting; haven’t spotted any others.
Other Annoying Traits: Existing.

Please include a small sample of the worst of this story:

Don’t worry, it’s short.Collapse )

X-posted to marysues and sailing_sues

(1 Broadside | Beat to Quarters)

Thursday, June 15th, 2006
2:19 pm - Suage update

Gosh – 29 members, no sporkings. We suck.

I don’t think I’m up to doing a sporking but I did look up the latest Mary Sues, if anyone’s interested…

Master and Commander

Another Aubrey
Jack’s niece (apparently the son of his half-brother who is about 8), Elisa, is in love with Stephen.

The Sea Calls us Home
Elizabeth, a modern-day girl, is transported to the Surprise in 1805, where she falls in love with Tom Pullings (who, for the record, was about 10 years old in 1805).

Pirates of the Caribbean

Family Secret
Maria. Barmaid who wants to be a pirate. Future love interest for Jack.

the difference between myself and my reflection
Anne Turner, daughter of Evey Sparrow and Luke Turner isn't normal. She may be a five year old and not know much of the world, but she knows that she had special gifts.

Horatio Hornblower

Opposites Attract
Lady Julia is the daughter of the Earl of Portsmouth… And for some reason she’s in Jamaica.

Off Limits And In Complete Danger
When Captain Pellew's daughter is on board his ship… She forces the crew to use inappropriate capitalization.

(3 Broadsides | Beat to Quarters)

Friday, March 31st, 2006
12:28 pm - New Sue Community

Yay! I have just created sues_in_space, a sporking community for science fiction Sues. I’m still futzing with the layout, but it’s up and running.

I saw a need for this because there are several (defunct) sci fi Sue journals, but no communities.

Please come for a visit and stay to spork!

(Beat to Quarters)

Thursday, January 20th, 2005
9:13 pm - *watches the lightning strike the tower*

I was in a masochistic mood, so I went digging in the Pit. Well, I found this.

Story or Series Title: Brown Eyes
Fandom: Horatio Hornblower
Culprit Author's Name: Ladydoma

Full Name: Penelope Pellew
Era of Origin: Napoleonic era, apparently...
Hair Color (include adjectives): 'long dark hair"
Eye Color (include adjectives): dark, probably brown
Special Possessions: Horatio's heart. Also is permitted to do absolutely everything she wants by her father, who should know better.

Annoying Origin: Allegedly, Pellew had sex with some woman and produced this. I refuse to believe it.
Annoying Connections to Canon Characters: Pellew's daughter.
Annoying Special Abilities: Warps canon, time periods and logic.
Other Annoying Traits: Exists.

Glaring Historical Inaccuracies: A woman with essentially the rights of a man who says "guys" is enough.

The worst of the story (excerpts): The whole thing is awful, but I picked out the worst bits.

Meet the Sue and Horatio, with, weird commasCollapse )

The Sue speaks German! Er... sort of.Collapse )

Skipping the first kiss, despite a great line about how the Sue still needs a nanny, we get to thisCollapse )

The Sue is kidnapped, following which she has a lovely conversation with her kidnapper.Collapse )

The Sue pulls the oldest trick in the book and escapes. They then attack the kidnappers.Collapse )

They split up, vowing to love and remember each other forever. Then, er...Collapse )

Replace "on my side" with "in my fandom" on my icon and you will have my feelings about this story.

current mood: distressed

(5 Broadsides | Beat to Quarters)

Tuesday, October 26th, 2004
11:22 pm - Horrible Hornblower Sue....

Story or Series Title: Catching Love in an Hourglass
Fandom: Horatio Hornblower
Culprit Author's Name: MovieDreamer

Full Name: Serendipity (No last name that I saw)
Era of Origin: Precise year, in fact. 2003
Hair Color (include adjectives): She's Hispanic so probably black, but I didn't see
Eye Color (include adjectives): Brown
Special Possessions: Horatio's heart almost immediately upon meeting him.

Annoying Origin: Hell via New York City
Annoying Connections to Canon Characters: Horatio's love interest
Annoying Special Abilities: She turns Horatio into a milksop, frightens him and is a doctor who is unfazed by the idea of time travel --- is that enough?
Other Annoying Traits: Existence is sufficient.

Glaring Historical Inaccuracies: The idea that women bossing around men never happened in Hornblower's time struck me as pretty crazy.

The worst of the story (excerpts):

Horatio arrives in New York City after a puzzling accident!Collapse )

Serendipity's brother --- or is it sister?Collapse )

I thought Horatio spoke English?Collapse )

There's quite a bit more, though thankfully it seems to have been abandoned. This is all I can handle. The author admits that she only ever saw Loyalty and never read the books, which seems to me to scream "I AM NOT ENTITLED TO WRITE FANFICTION!" and claims being in America as an excuse. <_< She also clearly can't speak English at all. ETA: Also, Hornblower didn't meet Maria until 1803, so the "late 18th century" is inaccurate.

current mood: Defend the commas!

(2 Broadsides | Beat to Quarters)

Sunday, October 17th, 2004
8:31 pm - Hornblower and the Porn Industry

I was looking for pictures of Rifleman Harris for my Geeks Are Sexy icon and turned up Hornblower fanfiction. I saw one that was a Hornblower and Sharpe cross-over and clicked. Now, you all must suffer.

Story or Series Title: Quiet in the Countryside
Fandom: The Indefatigable = The Love Boat.
Culprit Author's Name: Azarad

Full Name: Lt. Horatio Hornblower (aka Harlot); Sgt. Billy Scathelock; Col. Edrington; and more!
Era of Origin: Napoleonic Wars
Hair Color (include adjectives): Hornblower - "silky tangles"; "Billy's rough beauty was striking as he stared at Horatio. A beam of light filtered through the planks of the barn, illuminating the man's blond head and making him appear suddenly like the Avenging Angel."
Eye Color (include adjectives): "Tears came to Horatio's dark eyes." Green - Billy; Edrington - "his bright, engaging eyes were ruined, most likely, beyond healing"
Special Possessions: A great deal of lust

Annoying Origin: The Hornblower series.
Annoying Connections to Canon Characters: Are supposed to be canon characters plus some OCs.
Annoying Special Abilities: Billy - "He moved with the supple grace of a jungle cat, confident of his own strength, yet wary of his surroundings."
Other Annoying Traits: A great deal of lust and great skills in bed. They're all apparently gorgeous, including the one whose face was shot. Basically, a bunch of Greek gods parading in uniform.

Glaring Historical Inaccuracies: Hornblower's an angsty teen. He'd fit in better in the 21st century listening to Good Charlotte.

The worst of the story (excerpts):

Let me fill you all in on the story. Edrington has been wounded and arrived with Sgt. Scathelock and some men to the home of Dr. Hornblower, where Lt. Hornblower is apparently staying (wtf?). His face has received some shot and it is doubtful he will ever see again.

The Sued HornblowerCollapse )

The first intimate sceneCollapse )

It gets complicated here. The updating is weird and the fic almost repeats itself. I can't tell if there are changes and I'm not reading it closely a second time.

From suicide to sexCollapse )

The second instance of sex... The first just doesn't have the same flair.Collapse )

There's more but I cannot inflict the pain upon you any more. There is a great deal more sex between a variety of people, including some of the lobsters, Pellew, and Kennedy (who randomly show up). Hornblower is called a "Harlot" quite often and there is just all manner of purple prose. If Sharpe or anyone from the Sharpe series shows up, I don't know where because I couldn't take it after a while. It's really just porn that has nothing to do with Hornblower. Between the flowerly descriptions of Hornblower and Scathelock... Yeah. Marty Stus.

current mood: sleepy

(7 Broadsides | Beat to Quarters)

Thursday, October 7th, 2004
8:09 pm - Okay, I've commented before...

,...but this is my first post. So hi, I'm Nita. Yadda yadda. Never did a Mary Sue post before and I don't know if I'm doing this right but hey! First time for everything!

Story or Series Title: La Aguja Sangrienta
Fandom: Horatio Hornblower, though I detect a hint of Scarlet Pimpernel....
Culprit Author's Name: a wilde's wilde

Full Name: Annalise Lucilla Valór
Era of Origin: 18th-19th century as Archie is still alive.
Hair Color (include adjectives): auburn curls
Eye Color (include adjectives): "soft hazel eyes"
Special Possessions: "Two custom made, handcrafted shotguns in their rough leather holsters, the golden necklace belonging to her mother and a long black knife with a silvery blade, sharp and pointed, the prize she had been named for, “La Aguja Sangrienta”, the bloody needle."

Annoying Origin: From the name, I'm assuming French. It blinded me so I was forced to skim the rest.
Annoying Connections to Canon Characters: Somehow deceives Pellew into believing she's a he and gives him valuable papers.
Other Annoying Traits: Somehow, through my blindness, she turned into Lucy Holmes and I haven't clue HOW as well as how Archie is so mesmerized by her.

Glaring Historical Inaccuracies:I don't know, I want my mommy though.
The worst of the story (excerpts):


current mood: confused

(26 Broadsides | Beat to Quarters)

Wednesday, October 6th, 2004
7:35 pm

Story or Series Title: When Archie met Belle
Culprit Author's Name: Michelle Harrison, one of the few people who has yet to realize that most people don't put their full name on the net.

Full Name: Isabelle Smithton
Era of Origin: End of 18th century
Hair Color (include adjectives): long dark hair
Eye Color (include adjectives): Not described, thank God.
Special Possessions: "three pound to use as I see fit."

Annoying Origin: We haven't been told yet, but I'm guessing the Pits of Hell.
Annoying Connections to Canon Characters: Horatio knows her somehow, and laughs so hard he cries at the thought of her being his sweetheart. Good Horatio.
Annoying Special Abilities: Dancing with Archie until they are sweaty (This only takes two songs. Maybe they should get their glands checked out.), making the world fade away or some crap like that.
Other Annoying Traits: She makes Horatio ooze grace. That just sounds gross and sleazy.

Glaring Historical Inaccuracies: It...it just...ugh.

The worst of the story (excerpts):

Yaaaaugh. The dreaded introdution scene.Collapse )

The strange paragraph cut here is the author's own.

Right. Dancing until the world fades away is a cliche that should die now. Kthxbai.Collapse )

The fun author's note at the end.Collapse )

current mood: annoyed

(10 Broadsides | Beat to Quarters)

Friday, October 1st, 2004
8:49 am - Ask and ye shall receive...

So, I was sitting, drinking my morning coffee, and trying to decide what I could do to kill time while I finished my breakfast. I determined it had been a while since I've wanted to gouge my eyes out with rusty sporks, so I pulled up Google and looked for a new place to read Hornblower fanfiction. I found one such place in the form of HornblowerFic.com. I could have used this time looking for transcripts of the debates but I figured this would be less frustrating (I want an un-biased transcript) and more humorous.

And because my introduction isn't long-winded enough, thanks to everyone for responding to my earlier post! It looks like there's a good spread of Hornblower/M&C fans, which rocks. This way, I know I can talk to people about them all!

Story or Series Title: The Four Elements
Fandom: Hee hee hee! Wouldn't Bush look so cute in a garden and wouldn't it be fun to see Hornblower set him up?
Culprit Author's Name: U2LadyUtena

Full Name: "Misses Elizabeth Marie Jenkins, and the Misses Bushes--Barbara Jane, Margaret Ophelia, and Charlotte Juliet"
Era of Origin: Turn of the century. The 19th, that is.
Hair Color (include adjectives): Well, Charlotte has a few gray hairs apparently.
Eye Color (include adjectives): "sea-colored eyes" just like Bush's.
Special Possessions: A dress-making shop that is apparently quite successful.

Annoying Origin: Bush's parents. Maybe. Perhaps they're adopted or he is. OMGTEHANGST!!! Actually, that was more wishful thinking.
Annoying Connections to Canon Characters: Bush's sisters. Wealthy-ish sisters. They can't be middle-class because that didn't exist but that's the best description I have.
Annoying Special Abilities: To attack Bush?
Other Annoying Traits: The attacking Bush on the dock thing really bothered me. They're too old to be jumping into his arms.

Glaring Historical Inaccuracies: It hasn't been that terrible but it rubs me the wrong way for some reason. The middle-class thing bugs me a bit.

The worst of the story (excerpts):

Bush describes their dress and he doesn't know the colors of the Union JackCollapse )

The sisters notice Hornblower. Hilarity does not ensue.Collapse )

Random perspective change to Elizabeth (I'm guessing since it mentions a husband) and BITCH! BACK OFF!Collapse )

Perspective change again. I can't MST this one. It just kind of does it for itself.Collapse )

current mood: annoyed

(15 Broadsides | Beat to Quarters)

Wednesday, September 29th, 2004
5:09 pm - No report today...

I need to find someplace other than the Pit to search fanfic. Not like there isn't plenty of badfic there, I'd just like variety.

Anyway, I have a query for the members of this community. How much of the fandoms are you familiar with?

For instance, I've only seen the movie Master and Commander and have read none of the books (although I plan on doing so eventually) but, as of last night, have read all the Hornblower books and seen all of the movies (including the one starring Gregory Peck).

I'm just wondering so I make sure not to add any spoilers to the Hornblower-verse and so everyone can see where everyone else is coming from.

current mood: curious

(34 Broadsides | Beat to Quarters)

Friday, September 24th, 2004
10:29 pm - I've been doing some research.
museofswearing According to this most excellent book titled Female Tars, by Suzanne J. Stark, published 1996, there are at least twenty documented cases of women disguising themselves as men and becoming "seamen" on naval vessels. The most historically accurate account is the autobiography of one Mary Lacy, also known as William Chandler, who was born in 1740 and passed as a man from 1759 to 1770. During these eleven years, at one point a rumour was put about that William Chandler was indeed female, but his comrades in arms dismissed it as nonsense, one saying "I am sure there is not the least appearance of it in the make or shape of him."

I highly recommend the book for anyone interested - it's quite lively reading and is extremely interesting for students of naval history such as myself.

current mood: nerdy

(1 Broadside | Beat to Quarters)

Thursday, September 23rd, 2004
10:17 pm - ICON POST YAY!

I feel that we need to share appropriate nautical icons, so everyone feel free to post yours in a comment to this thread (if you have a ton, just make a new post).

My lone iconCollapse )

I got most of my HH and M&C icons from pixel_tiger, which you should all go friend, because shinken, whose community it is, makes awesome icons. Also, go friend undergroundicon, which is shinken's new journal.

Examples, because someone mentioned that they wanted Lt. Bush icons:

Bush iconsCollapse )

And one Edrington, because I *heart* himCollapse )

Credit all those to shinken, except, obviously, for the one that I made.

current mood: sleepy

(7 Broadsides | Beat to Quarters)

1:56 pm

Update: Hope nobody minds, but I tweaked this test a little, partly to compensate for the increase in Doctor Sues who have lately been boarding His Majesty's Ships in both community fandoms. Thanks for everybody's feedback and suggestions!

I've long had--and resisted--the impulse to write one of these tests, but I finally succumbed to temptation a few days ago. The captain of this community has graciously consented to my posting it ::salutes:: so here it is:

The Gauntlet: A Mary-Sue Litmus Test for Horatio HornblowerCollapse )

(1 Broadside | Beat to Quarters)

12:17 pm - Arranged marriages in the British Navy

First, I'd just like to say that it pisses me off to no end that the Pit has Hornblower under "TV Shows." They were books first, thanks.

Second, I'm short on time so no comments. Ah well. You can add your own.

Story or Series Title: For Better or Worse
Fandom: The very abused Mr. Hornblower
Culprit Author's Name: nancy777ca

Full Name: Emma Stuart
Era of Origin: Napoleonic Wars
Hair Color (include adjectives): It might have been there and I missed it.
Eye Color (include adjectives): "Exquisite blue eyes"
Special Possessions: None. Yet.

Annoying Origin: James and... omgtehangst! A woman named Katherine she doesn't know about who has been captured by the Spanish!
Annoying Connections to Canon Characters: Arranged marriage to Hornblower
Annoying Special Abilities: Is apparently a medical student and convinces Hornblower to take her on the Indy as the surgeon. Because a lieutenant makes these decisions.
Other Annoying Traits: Knocking Hornblower way off the mark.

Glaring Historical Inaccuracies: She's called "Ms. Stuart." She's been studying medicine.

The worst of the story (excerpts):

A really bad excuse for a marriageCollapse )

But... I don't want to stay at home!Collapse )

OMG! Hornblower is so nice...Collapse )

Oooh... teh intrigue!Collapse )

current mood: nauseated

(43 Broadsides | Beat to Quarters)

Wednesday, September 22nd, 2004
7:56 pm
museofswearing While not a Sue, this is still quite valuable to anyone wishing to write one of these infernal things:


current mood: enlightened

(1 Broadside | Beat to Quarters)

5:05 pm - my first-ever Sue!
museofswearing Have finished H.M.S. Surprise in four hours thirty-five minutes. My love for Stephen has increased sevenfold, if such a thing is possible insofar as I already love him with the burning fire of a thousand suns.

Story or Series Title: Even So (already this bodes badly)
Fandom: Something vaguely resembling Patrick O'Brian's detailed, accurate world
Culprit Author's Name: Ariaelle (She dedicates the story to O'Brian, obviously not knowing that 1. he's dead 2. he wouldn't want it anyway)

Full Name: Lise Riviera (apparently she's a Spangerman)
Era of Origin: The Age of Sail, it would seem, but all bets are off.
Hair Color (include adjectives): Her "rippling hair" falls to "little lower than her shoulders"
Eye Color (include adjectives): "her chestnut colored eyes matched her hair"
Special Possessions: A moronically romantic idea of what being an "able seaman" is, and probably will develop moronically romantic ideas about Stephen as well.

Annoying Origin: Some gutter in London.
Annoying Connections to Canon Characters: Claims she served on the Victory under Lord Nelson, the same ship that Jack was a lieutenant on (I believe). Jack sees her and feels like he knows her from somewhere.
Annoying Special Abilities: Able to persuade Cpt. Aubrey to abandon his rigourous policy of "no women aboard, ever, EVER," by looking sweet and girlish.
Other Annoying Traits: When Stephen knocks on the shop door to meet her and introduces himself, she "looks amused." Grr. Don't be disrespecting my Doctor that way.

Glaring Historical Inaccuracies: Nothing yet, but I'm not holding my breath.

The worst of the story:Let's Pretend Jack And Stephen Might Ever Act Like This EverCollapse )

current mood: snarky

(10 Broadsides | Beat to Quarters)

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